STOP THE WAR - REMEMBER HIROSHIMA

- Do you know how it is to die? There is only hardly perceptible shadow left on the bricks. Sign that you were here. The sign that you were standing, right here, when the atomic bomb was dropped. 

Last summer I went to Hiroshima. Although I wanted to write about my trip much earlier - I was not able to gather my own thoughts for a long time. That trip was my personal tribute to the victims of nuclear attack; for the children who died before fulfilling their dreams; for those who were injured and suffered the agony. And for the survivals who have been carrying the painful memories whole their lives and who were and are here to tell us the truth. The truth which is too dark to take in.

My visit to Hiroshima was not just a tribute-trip. I was deeply hurt by people as a child. And there was a time I thought I will never make it grow up and be an adult. Somehow I was alive and at the darkest time of my life, I called a name of God and promised Him I will never let the hatred take a control of my life and I will not let the hatred destroy me. I made it my life mission to fight for a World Peace and I went to Hiroshima to pray and ask for a strength; because of me either, as Solomon stated, "I am a mere youth, not knowing at all how to act".

I am deeply disturbed watching the news. Not only because I am living in Tokyo and my family is not close enough to go check if they are safe if something bad happens. Nor that I am afraid of my life. I am disturbed by the fact that we still did not grow up. Did not learn from past mistakes. We all want our country's economies to grow but how about ethical and moral growth? Do we really need another place like Hiroshima and Nagasaki?

-Do you know how it is to die? - die in fear, panic, and pain that crumples your body till you lose your mind?

My generation, generation of people born in 90's - we do not 'know' the war. We just see it in the news, we are taught about the war on the history lessons.

But we do not need to experience the war just to see there is only death, pain and darkness. We do not need to mourn. We do not want to hate nor be envious nor to be cruel. Nor cry and lose the ones we love.

I had traveled alone to Hiroshima because I wanted to focus in silence to truly feel and understand what had happened in 1945. What had happened, not only in Japan but in the world that day.

That day the world changed for ever.

Today is 12th April 2013. The weather in Tokyo is nice and sunny but still- the wind is a bit cold.

The sky is clear.

"The sky was clear..." - that is how a survivor of Hiroshima described the morning of 6th August 1945. He was outside of his house- playing, the day was about to start normally.

What stayed in my mind the most from Hiroshima Peace Memorial Museum are the pictures made by children, reflecting their memories from that day. The pictures of the streets of Hiroshima full of red bodies without skin.

Those who did not die immediately after the atomic bomb was dropped, were injured with multipart skin burns. Many of them jumped into the river (the one you see in the photo above) to cool down their burning bodies and had drowned.

The nuclear attack on Hiroshima and Nagasaki was not only a bombing on Japan. It was an attack on every human being on this planet. We saw with our own eyes and have realized that -we- are able to make the human race extinct.

We can not let the hatred take a control of us. Because hatred not only hurts others but is destructive to ourselves.

-The one who carries the knife can kill but can be also killed by his own weapon.

Hiroshima is a peaceful place now. There are red roses growing just by the Atomic Bomb Dome. It became a place to represent and call for the World Peace.

-But if you look closely, there are still the shadows. Unnamed, watching. And their voices are saying: 

STOP THE WAR: REMEMBER HIROSHIMA

ATO

Happy Easter My Love

I miss spending Easters in my house in Poland. I didn't pay much attention to it at that time but, the table was always full and beautifully decorated. The family was together and there was always, something special about that day. When you leave you realize how important the unimportant things were, how much meaningful the meaningless things were, how much you loved the places which were too boring and how priceless the life too random to live was.

Hopefully, I will be back home some day

again.

Well-controlled life

I hadn't been posting for a while. To be honest I'm a little confused and I don't know what to write.

So many things had changed in my life. When I started writing this blog I was still living in Poland. 

Now it's already my third year in Japan. 

Since I remember I have been trying to live well-controlled life. I loved making plans, to-do lists, I knew how I want to be in two, five, ten and even thirty years!

Surprisingly my moving to Japan wasn't planned at all. After two years I am still sometimes feeling a little weird when I realize I am surrounded by only asian people and I catch myself staring at gaijin (foreigner). Naturally, as born-in-Japan, mixed-race person I was lucky enough to spend whole my childhood between two countries: Poland and Japan. Well, it wasn't part of my plan too. I had been flying to Japan to visit my grandparents every two-years at mine and my older sister's summer vacation's time. When I think of it now, "summer returnings" were the happiest times of my childhood years but the same time, they gave me the most painful and heartbreaking moments when I had to leave my, getting older and smaller every year, grandmother and grandfather.

I remember watching them -waving hands- from taxi's car window. Till the moment they disappear completely. Every summer when we were not going there back, I cried and cried very hard to my mother. I wanted to go back to Japan. I wanted to live there. For me it was a land of happiness. 

My father was a only-child. I had no cousins to play with in Poland. And the parents of my father passed away very early. I hated Poland. I was bullied at school, racial discriminated by my teachers and on the streets. It was a small city in southern Poland. I looked more like an asian, I had unusual, non-polish name - now I understand - it wasn't my fault but they just couldn't leave me alone. I was different than others.

Being and feeling different growing up was the reason I wanted to live a 'normal', very down-to-earth, well-controlled-life. Get married, have kids, build a house some day. So did I. Or I though I do. I found a boyfriend, we were much in love. I wanted to marry him when he returns from military which was a must at that time for young men in Poland.

But seems like it wasn't given to me to live such life. My boyfriend was a drug addict and drug dealer. He had been disappearing from time to time from home and I was going out looking for him. There were weeks of no sign from him. He escaped military service. He promised me to give up drugs but he never did. I kept believing, because he was the most intelligent person I have ever met in my life. He taught me it is ok being who you are, he was the first to compliment me I was mixed-race. 

It was a time of lots of lies. Mine to my parents, his to me.

After I graduated middle school my parents send me to live and study at different, bigger city - Cracow. It wasn't planned as well. My sister, who was very ambitious from early age- attending school and music-school the same time since 7 or 8, always studying at home - she asked my parents if she can move to better high school than our small city was offering. After three years my parents decided I will follow her footsteps. Wasn't I ambitious too? I loved writing, I have been writing since I remember. But all I wanted was a life "like others have". Like my best friend who by the way is married now and is expecting their first baby.

Although I was skipping most of my classes at middle-school to enjoy my teenage-years of so precious first love, I had managed to score high marks and get into one of the best high-school in Cracow. I told my boyfriend about it, he was happy for me. He said its good for me. At that time I was hoping to keep seeing him at the weekends when I return to my "hometown". We said goodbye on the sunny day, the summer was close, I was leaving to Japan.

When I think of it now, I had never taught I was not going to see him ever since any more in my life.

He went missing soon after I left. I was trying to find him many years later but no one knew where he faded away.

My hope for stable life was gone. No love to go back to, the future we had planned together was gone forever. Year later my mother left my family to permanently live in Japan. It was the beginning for us - all of my family members to live separately. I don't know if there is anything more sad in life than going back to an empty house. The very first day I returned home on a friday and I cooked myself a dinner in an empty kitchen, I couldn't swallow any food because of the tears which I was trying to control. I kept telling myself I have to be strong. Of course I understood everything. My mother had to go to look after her parents. But it wasn't changing the fact that it wasn't a life that I wanted. Nor something I could had planned. 

I seeked for stability. I wanted to take control of my own life. I couldn't live any more between two countries, two cities, living half-life not fully tasted, not knowing who I am and where I belong. I knew there are things I can not change but I wanted to gain an independency to finally run away from that circle of longing and reuniting to leave and long again. That was the first time I refused going back to Japan with my mother when she had visited us in Poland. I got engaged. I wanted to live my own life. That was the first time in my life I shouted at my mother. She left. My grandmother died few weeks later.

Today I am sitting in Tokyo. Drinking wine on my own. There is something I can not control about my life. I had been looking for a stability whole my life. But I gave up. I accepted the fact I can't do it. I finally realized, it is not because I was born mixed-race but because it is not the way to find my happiness.

My childhood tough me no one have a choice to decide who you want to be born as, my teenage love tough me I can not put all my desires and hopes in a person because some people come and go no matter how much we wish them to stay. It is that way. I must let go the things that are not controllable.

So do I have a control of my life as a grown-up? Again, no. I choose, or I was chosen to write. Magazines are not doing well. I am young and I need to decide what to do. I know how I want my career to look like, I know which direction I want to go. But.. "But" - there is always something. 

So I realize it is better to keep it simple. Well-controlled life is a life being honest with yourself. Listening carefully your own voice. Not to longings, not to desires but to your own sober voice. Try and see what works. Not giving up but learning and constantly growing. When I look back, I was always trying to find someone not to feel loneliness anymore, I was always fearing of showing my true emotions. Opening up. I was caged, hurt very deeply when there was no reason to be caged nor to feel hurt. I had to learn to let go. Not to feel anger but move on to the next chapter.

Instead of well-controlled life I have chosen to live my life well. Doing what I love. Being good for other people. Writing. Working hard for my future. Dreaming. Watching stars at the warm evenings, smiling to a little cat crossing my road on the way home. Love instead of hate.

The key to the true freedom is in your heart. You have to let go the past - the pain, the people and believe in yourself. We are all born free. Free to love. Free to be happy. Free to dream and make your dreams come true. And there is no one who can take this treasures away from you. We are born with them.

When you are sad - be sad, when you want to cry - cry. When you love - love truly. Do not control it. It's a life.

Yours,

ATO

21&7 Half Life

I couldn't sleep last night. Today is 20th, August. I'm 21 and 7 months years old. So now I'm closer to 22 than to 21. I look like man these days. Too bad I'm not smoking. And recently I can't drink a lot as I used to, heavy drinker no more, my stomach is crumpling and my heart beats too fast that almost scares me. I drink too much on my own.

Today I have to go buy a birthday present for my sister. Planning to go to Seibu in Shibuya.

So I couldn't sleep last night. I've been thinking of my four months in Tokyo. They passed so quickly. Partying almost every weekend from the end of April.

Still dreaming about another escape. As somewhere I desire to be there is a gold treasure I need to find. As if there is someone awaiting me. Drinking coffee at 7 AM in the morning, alone in my kitchen, looking out of window, starting new day but not being sure where and how the beginning should have took place. I had never thought days like these will come. But I guess I predicted it somehow.

Pola Chérie

Half Life

To Write: To Live, To Survive

Pola Chérie@photo by Natsuki Fujii

This is very personal post. For people who knows me in person and my dearest long-time-readers my following words can be found shocking but I thought it is high time to open up and tell you what I am doing and trying to do in this life I have been given to live.

This is my blog. You can read my poems and thoughts here but thats only a very tiny part of my works. I am doing my best to finish my projects and I am waiting for a good moment to have it published.

I treat my blog as my notebook. I put here everything I feel is inspirational and I want to share with my readers. But recently my blog gained so many drafts and nothing have been published. Empty days. Huge promises, blank pages. And no words under the dates of months. I started to be afraid to share my words with people to not be abandoned from sociality again. My old fears made me unable to write.

It all made me re-think what is most important for me and what 'writing' means to me.

Is it a passion? Is it a hobby? Am I going to stop when I finish my studies, get hired, start working? But is there any other job for me if not using words?

I never compete with anyone. I hate to compete. I was always walking my own paths and letting people pass me near if they wanted to run. Because I knew we were heading to different goals.

I remember when exactly I start writing. I was six years old, my first year in school. Wadowice. Small city in southern Poland. Seven years after Poland became a free country. First years when foreigners could live here, but no one really did yet.

Except my mother who decided to marry my father and move out from Japan. She still doesn't see anything special about that. It makes me smile everytime I think of it.

I had been suffering from racial discrimination for ten years when I was a child. On the streets, at school. Small asian girl with funny name in the middle of small city of post-communist country.

Firstly too shocked, I didnt know how to react. And for the rest ten years I had no idea what I can do to protect myself.

Being alone I wrote a letter. On small yellow cards with teddy bears illustrations. And I hide it deep in the black space under my bed. I didn't want to hurt my mother by telling her about it.

I guess if someone around at that time said something or did something to help me out my life would be completely different now.

Not reacting is the worst thing you can do when someone is offended by others.

Ten years passed without any word spoken. I kept writing. To Live. To Survive. I run away into my own, imaginary world. World where truth and goodness always wins. This was the beginning of my writing.

Ten years passed and after very troubled teenage years I finally found my own way.

I promised myself I Will React. Always. When I see that the one's soul is in danger.

And that I will fight. For equality and human rights. For children who are suffering from discrimination because of racial, religious or sexual reasons. I fight for every single human being which is hurt by others because of who they are. For no reason. Because of people who are narrow-minded or too blind to see the truth.

I am just a girl - with no power and no money to give.

But I have a words to share.

I want you To React. Whenever you see someone is being harassed just because they are trying to live being themselves.

You can save a life.

You can save someone from pain.

Save someone, someone just like me, from Immortal Illness of Soul.

Be different.

React.

This is my message.

And I keep writing.

Pola Chérie, 24.07.2011 Tokyo

~Dedicated to all my lovely readers, friends and to C. who gave me Strength, to deal with the past, and Hope for the new future, you are my gift!~

Mare

 
 In my mares I'm still a little girl.

A little girl who can't protect herself. And I can't shout for help. I allow them come into me. I allow a Snake come into the Nest. And I allow a Poison to spread all over my body.

I let The Endless Pain come into me.

And when I wake up I'm so afraid. If this happiness I was finally able to find was fake. If I am still a little girl and my long journey was just a dream of my sick mind. Am I still desperately trying to find an escape. Did I kill myself hiding deeper and deeper into myself to not to feel the pain?

But I realize that the Nightmare ended. And that it is already a Morning. I realize I am, I will be happy now. And I promise myself I will be fighting to protect the Happiness.

Because I am a survivor.

~Pola Chérie Thoughts~

Pola Chérie "A Snake in The Nest"

Pola Chérie Thoughts 2011 @ All rights reserved

Darker is the Memory, Vogue Nippon October 2010, M: Raquel Zimmermann, P: Mario Sorrenti, S: George Cortina; Numéro #121, M: Dree Hemingway, P: Sofia & Mauro, S: Samuel François; Vogue Italia May 2010, M: Elisa Sednaoui, P: Stephane Sednaoui; Vogue Germany May 2010, M: Georgina Stojiljkovic, P: Ben Hassett, S: Claudia Englmann; Kurv Magazine, M: Alison Arboux, P: Jonathan Segade, S: Sara Bascunan

The Next Summer

Where will you be this summer? Do you have plans yet?

I want to go to the seaside so badly.

I grew up in the same city as Pope John Paul II. In the small city surrounded by beautiful mountains. When I was a child and the summer comes my father used to take me for hiking. But I had been always looking forward till my parents take me to the seaside.

When you are a child time seems to be passing so slowly. I remember how I couldn't wait for the next summer. And the winter in my city was always so snowy, so cold and so long. And I remember the white mountains. How I was watching white mountains from my living-room's window after the first snow and couldn't believe that the warm days really ended. Looking at them, sitting in front of a fireplace I was thinking of a sea. Of a smell and the sounds of the sea. And I couldn't wait for the next summer.

I love the sea more than the mountains.

How about you? Do you like the sea or the mountains more?

A lazy sunday's late afternoon

 
I'm in Japan at my mother's house since last November. I've passed entrance exams, found an apartment in Tokyo and now I'm only waiting till April to move there.

Waiting till April I'm having the best time of my life. Full of hopes, passion and dreams. And first time in my adult life I can spend a time with my mother. Precious time. I moved out from my parents house when I was sixteen. Soon after my mother moved back to Japan. Five years later seems like this few months were given to us to spend this lazy sunday's late afternoons toghether. Having a tea. Talking about future and past.

And while we talk first signs of spring are delighting softly my heart. And I feel a happiness. And a gratitude. And a time is passing slowly.

I am going to take these vintage tea cups with me when I will be moving to Tokyo. And I will keep my precious time of happiness deep in my heart. Believing that someone, someday will find them and feel the same way I did.

~Pola Chérie Thoughts~

Love OR Ambitions

Love or Ambitions. Surprisingly it is not a title of my post.

It is a title of the post of a japanese girl I've never knew. A girl who is missing after the earthquake in New Zealand.

I bet you heard about this on the news. I was watching tv yesterday hoping that not only twenty eight japanese people missing were found but they have saved many more lives of other missing people.

Love and Ambitions. Is it possible to have it both? Being in a good relationship and the same time working hard for your own success. I guess yes. But what if not?

What if your dream is to go abroad and work there? What if you don't know how your partner will react? And finally what if you don't want him/her to go with you? Because it is your dream. Because you were independent in your dream. And you don't want to feel tied in the place where you were seeking for freedom.

To go abroad and work abroad. That was a dream of that girl. She gave up her love life to focus on her dreams. And she made it. Her years and years of studying english finally enabled her to work in a hospital in New Zealand. And she was about to pass an english skills exams in May.

Many of you would tell that there are many couples who are not living in the same city and are ok. But you can't take a responsibility of partner's life. Change all his or hers plans. Make him/her have to miss the person they love because of your own "selfish" ambitions.

I know something about missing. My parents are from two different countries: Japan and Poland. My fathers father passed away in Poland when my father was in Japan. And then my mother left us in Poland, when I was 18 and needed her most, to look after her mother in Japan.

One thing I know now is that I don't want to be missing my partner. I want him/her to be with me. To sleep on her/his shoulder every single night. To wake up feeling a touch, a smell, a voice - a love. So I guess till my ambitions to succeed are strong I think I won't be able to be happy with someone. Because I don't know where I will be tomorrow. The next day. And where I finally settle down.

My today's post's title is - Know what you are truly desiring. And go for it. Whatever people say You will succeed.

I think She succeeded.

~Pola Chérie Thoughts~

Pola Chérie Thoughts 2011 @ All rights reserved

Lea T for models.com

(models.com)
I just saw Lea T's Models.com interview by Wayne Sterling and I have to be honest - I'm shocked. I wasn't planning to write about transsexual people in fashion industry because for me it is a normal and obvious thing and it is not at all a topic to discuss about. And I'm not going to write about her just to show whether I support her or not because for me she is just a one of the models who are spoken a lot about recently. If you are lucky to be given a model's body (good proportions, long legs etc) and you have an intriguing face and talent and you want to became a model - go for it. You will succeed. Fashion is not a place for narrow-minded people. It is a world which has been for all these ages created by people who truly believe in your success.

The reason why I decided to write about this is that I was deeply touched by her words in the interview. Here is also what Lea T told The Guardian:

"We transsexuals are born and grow up alone. After the operation we are born again, but once again alone. And we die alone. It is the price we pay.”

I would never expect her to say so. Of course I hadn't been thinking that it is easy to live the life as a transsexual but I can't believe the intolerance of the people is that big.
To be tolerant for me means everything. Because I was born as mixed race person whole my life I have been listening to a discussions of people: whether the races should mix or not. And many ask me what is my opinion. What should I say. If I say no I wouldn't be able to exist.
It's obvious that races mixes, you'd probably say. Well, for many people still it is not so obvious.
Whether transsexual people should be in fashion industry- many people are asking - but the truth is the same as about races- it is not a topic to discuss about. The fact is that they are.
There is nothing to be sad about. Be tolerant and understanding. That's the message.
Here is a link to the interview:
http://vimeo.com/19582716
And yes, I like Lea T very much. She's stunning.

~Pola Chérie Thoughts~

Pola Chérie Thoughts 2011 @ All rights reserved

All I need on lazy Sunday afternoon

  coffee...

...some pieces left from my B'day cake...

...and my favourite high heels on, no matter I'm at home.
Pola Cherie for Tigermaan mug cup

Thank You All for Your B'Day wishes!!

So I'm 21 years old now, huh. Childhood's years seem so long (I thought I will go to the same school endlessly) but then one day when you realize you are already an old man. In Europe you are formally an adult when you become 18 but in Japan when you turn 20. Funny thing is that in Poland and Japan they celebrate becoming and adult the same month - in January. In Poland when 'kids' became 18 every high school orginize a party called "Studniowka". Boys wear suits and girls wear long/short dresses. And they allowe you to drink alcohol in front of your teachers on that party (even if you're still 17). The party name also means that you have only 100 ("Sto") days to final exams, like they let you get drunk but the same time they are telling you that it's your last party before exams.

In Japan the new twenties wear kimono and have a party called "Seidzinshiki" ("Seidzin" - adult; "Shiki" - celebration). Fortunatetly this year I was in Japan in January so I could see how my friend celebrates their "becoming an adult". After a school's big celebration they separete to a smaller groups and move to restaurants or hotels or wherever and have a meal toghether (and get drunk I bet).

So different cultures and so similar ways to show who's next to own the world!

Photo above is taken by me. I had a small party at home with my close family. I also have booked a table in my favourite restaurant Camel Dining for Saturday's meeting with my friends (they have a best omelette I've ever eat). Since I hate cooking these Ritz crackers with Danish strawberry cheese with real strawberries was all I could serve. And I hadn't enough champagne glasses for all but who cares, Moet always tastes great.

Merry Christmas to all of You!

May your world be filled with warmth and good cheer this Holy season, and throughout the year! Wish your Christmas be filled with peace and love. Merry Xmas to all of You!!

xxx

Going to Japan with your pet - how does it really look

I have my dog since September 2009. Firstly I was thinking about buying a Pomeranian but because I am multiracial I decided that having a mixed-raced dog would be the best. I found a sweet puppies on the Internet and the owner told me that they are half pekingese and half yorkshire terrier. Later, when he grew up I'd realised that he's father wasn't at all a york but a dachshund. But who does reclamation of puppie you are already madly in love with? I don't. I named him Muffin after chocolate muffins from Coffee Heaven which always makes me happy. When I decided to continue my study in Tokyo it was obvious that I want to take Muffin with me.

However when I called the japanese embassy to ask them what do I need to do so it turned out that it is not so easy.

The main problem was that they require 180 days of quarantine in your country during which you need to do a blood test several times to check if there is a rabies. And they will accept the results only from the clinic they've chosen in your country. Otherwise as soon as a dog lands in japanese airport they will take it from you and put a pet in their quarantine center. Then you would be forced to pay 30 dolars per day (multiply 180 days).

Because of the fact that in Japan there is no rabies since early 70'ties I fully understand that but I'm so sad that I have to leave him behind. He will be in good hands though.

Pola in Idea Fix

Finally I made it! Now my t-shirts are for the first time available in concept store -> -> Idea Fix / Cracow Miodowa 23. I'll have some ice cream tonight to celebrate ^^